I’ve found myself wondering recently, Who would win a fight between a Ninja and a Tiger?

I searched the internet, and couldn’t find an answer.  So decided to carry out the experiment for myself.

I was fairly certain the guys at Chester Zoo would say no to me fighting one of their tigers, Knowsley Safari Park was a more likely candidate as you don’t have to climb over any walls to get to the animal, just need to get out of the car when in the tiger enclosure.

The problem there was that whilst I was fairly certain a ninja could beat one tiger, taking on a whole enclosure full of them wasn’t such a good idea.  I had to rethink my plan, and came up with the following Scientific Experiment

Looking through the d&d rules it seems that monks are the closest character class to ninjas, they fight with their hands and do flashy flips and stuff.

So I rolled a level 4 monk (I chose level 4 because I’m 7th kyu ninjitsu, which is basicaly a level 4 ninja).

I then got out the Monster Manual, and.. couldn’t find Tigers.. so settled for a Leopard.

Rolling the characters, the Monk (or NinJAphee as we’ll call him) had an immediate advantage, with 31 hit points against the leopards 19.  However the Leopard had more attacks per round.

NinJAphee also had the disadvantage that he had to paint stripes on the leopard to make the test authentic, this not only lost him initiative, but also gave the Leopard a free round of attacks of opportunity whilst NinJAphee applied the paint.

Round 1:
The Leopard misses with his bite, and then fumbles with his first claw attack (possibly slipping on paint) which meant he not only missed his second claw attack, but also misses both claw attacks next round as he staggered back to his feet.

NinJAphee was unable to take advantage of the fumble as he was still painting.

Round2:
The Leopard again misses his bite, but is back on his feet for the next round.

NinJAphee rains in a flurry of blows, all of them missing.

Round 3:
The Leopard again fails to bite NinJAphee, but does catch him two hefty blows with it’s claws, one of them a crit.
NinJAphee takes 12 damage.

NinJAphee responds with a roundhouse, then a spinning hook kick, the hook kick is a crit!
The Leopard takes 17 damage.

Round 4:
The Leopard is clearly staggered and misses all his attacks.

NinJAphee has the chance to finish off his foe, but instead does an impressive backflip, followed by a cartwheel.. he looks really impressive.

Round 5:
The Leopard can’t get near to the impressively flippy ninja, and not only misses all attacks, but fumbles again tripping over it’s own tail.

NinJAphee impressively finishes a forward somersault by bringing down an axekick and killing the Leopard.

Conclusive proof in an officially sanctioned Scientific Experiemnt that in a fight between a Ninja and a Tiger*, the ninja will win.

Disclaimers

* Leopard
Following the results of an earlier attempt at this experiment, it is not advisable for ninja’s to fight lions.

Last night, me and Claire (I know you’re supposed to say Claire and I .. but that just sounds pretentious) went to my mate Petes leaving do, he decided a few weeks ago to go live in Spain, git.

I decided to dress up for the occasion, (wear a watch!).

My FishBone watch is HUGE and most people think looks stupid, but I love it, trouble is it no longer works (I suspect it needs winding or something), but I’ve never bothered to investigate why it doesn’t work because I never wear watches on anything other than special occasions. (I have a mobile, I don’t need no poncy watch).

So it’s stuck at ten to seven.  Claire muttered at me that i’d feel stupid if anybody asked me the time and I had to get my mobile out instead of looking at my watch, but I had a cunning plan for a running gag…

We were supposed to arrive at 7, but Claire was still doing her hair, or makeup or whatever so we were late, but that was fine cos when we arrived and Pete said “You’re late!”, I pointed to my watch and said “but it’s only ten to seven”.  Hilarity then ensued.

Over the course of the night, many people asked me the time, I’d always reply “it’s ten to seven” and point at my watch,.  This became a running joke to such an extent that people were queueing up to ask me the time.

This was the joke that would give me my very own catchphrase…

Or at least that was the plan…

Sadly, nobody asked me the time, so the running gag never had a chance.

It would have been great though.

September 10, 2003 - In a case of life imitating videogames, two Tennessee teenagers, who cited the Grand Theft Auto franchise as their influence, recently opened fire on Interstate 40 highway, killing one and severely injuring others.

William and Joshua Buckner, ages 16 and 14 years old, told police they were bored, so they took a .22 caliber rifle and decided to ape their favorite videogame, Grand Theft Auto.

hmm… idiots

When I first noticed this news item on IGN I was gonna write a fairly serious blog about videogames influencing kids.. then got sidetracked wondering about the most badass way to pronounce ninJA.

Maybe Tenchu (the videogame) is to blame for me deciding to learn NinJA!  (see! the first few paragraphs weren’t entirely irrelevent to the rest of the blog)

On the other hand, maybe I was just fed up of Jackie Chan getting all the women and wanted to be able to kick his ass.
Also, if I’m ever attacked by a tiger, I’m fairly sure I read somewhere that in a fight between a ninJA and a tiger, the ninJA will always win…

...Possibly it was me that wrote that tho, so I probably shouldn’t put too much trust in it.

By the way, if you’re wondering, the ‘JA’ of ninJA is deliberately written in capitals as I feel it should be emphasised when pronouncing the name, not merely ninja, but ninJA

Try saying it, it sounds much more badass.

We just got our ninja training schedule for the next academic year.  It turns out we’ll be training in the sports hall at the same time as the Judo class.

I can see rivalries between the two disciplines rapidly growing out of control, so, as any responsible ninja would, I did some research.

I went online to ask the internet “Who would win in a fight, a ninja, or a judo..guy?”

Sadly the internet didn’t have the answer, but I did find the following useful facts about ninja’s:

Facts:
1. Ninjas are mammals.
2. Ninjas fight ALL the time.
3. The purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people.

Testimonial:
Ninjas can kill anyone they want! Ninjas cut off heads ALL the time and don’t even think twice about it. These guys are so crazy and awesome that they flip out ALL the time. I heard that there was this ninja who was eating at a diner. And when some dude dropped a spoon the ninja killed the whole town.

Q and A:
Q: I heard that ninjas are always cruel or mean. What’s their problem?
A: Whoever told you that is a total liar. Just like other mammals, ninjas can be mean OR totally awesome.

Q: What do ninjas do when they’re not cutting off heads or flipping out?
A: Most of their free time is spent flying, but sometime they stab.

According to ‘The History of Ninja’, in the year 440AD, 2 ninja’s killed an entire squadron of pirates and didn’t even think twice about it.

If your primary reason for training is to learn how to assassinate people in medieval japan then go for the ninjitsu. That’s a fact.

Bought some banana milk today, it was a brand I haven’t tried before.

When I sat down to drink it, I noticed it had a little sticker on the lid saying “Nantwich Show Winner”

(Nantwich is a nearby town)

I hadn’t noticed this sticker in the shop so am not sure if it was on all the bottles, or whether it was just this one that had won, in which case I’d feel guilty about drinking it.

In the end I drank some of it, and left the rest because it sucked