In my last blog I mentioned that in Australia, ordinary household objects were as much of a threat as the crocs, sharks, spiders etc that you’re warned about.

This was further backed up a few days ago, when for the second time since I got here, I was attacked by a ceiling fan.

The same ceiling fan that nearly cost me three fingers a couple of months ago, struck again, and went for the same 3 fingers.

This time it spattered my blood across the walls, bed, floor, and me.

Did anyone have ‘ceiling fan’ in the ‘what will kill graeme’ sweepstake?

Before I moved over to Australia I’d done some research.  I’d looked up Townsville on the internet, I’d spoken to people who’d survived this country.  I’d read Bill Bryson, who wrote:

Australia has more things that can kill you in extremely nasty ways than anywhere else: sharks, crocodiles, the ten most deadly poisonous snakes on the planet, fluffy yet toxic caterpillars, seashells that actually attack you, and the unbelievable box jellyfish (don’t ask). The dangerous riptides of the sea and the sun-baked wastes of the outback both lie in wait for the unwary. It’s one tough country.

I knew from my research that that list was far from comprehensive, spiders, plantlife, dropbears, cyclones & vampires are all common dangers here.

But it turns out there are dangers much closer to home which even the internet hadn’t told me about.  As this warning sign found at Australia Zoo explains, even ordinary household objects are dangerous, in Australia.

I bought a new mouse along with my laptop a few months ago, which has now broken.

I phoned Dell, who put me through to Logitech, who said:

“Write this reference number on a piece of paper.  Then you need to take 4 photographs.

1. Take a photo of the mouse and the piece of paper together

2. Turn the mouse upside down and take a photo with the paper.

3. Smash the mouse up with a hammer and take a photo of the bits with the paper” ..
I interrupted with a “....what?” .. “did you say to smash the mouse up with a hammer??”
He confirmed that yes, that’s what he said.
I pointed out that that seemed a little crazy, that all that was broken was that the scroll button didn’t quite work as intended.
He repeated that it needed smashing up with a hammer.
I pointed out that I’d then be without a mouse until the replacement arrives, which he had told me would be between 4 and 14 days, if they were in stock, and that he didn’t know if they were in stock.
He said I should use another mouse until the replacement arrived.
I pointed out that that’d mean I had to go out and buy another mouse to use.
He said he’d speak to his supervisor, put me on hold, came back a minute later and said:
“Yup, you have to smash it with a hammer”
Brilliant.

AQA (Any Question Answered) is quite a well known company who will answer any question you text to them.

From their website:

Every question is read and answered by a person, one of hundreds who work for us. If they don’t know the answer, they know where to look.

They’re used by millions of people for those niggling questions you need to know the answer to when you’re drunk.

Like, “what does PickledPixie/Talth/Allen do for a living?”

This weekend there was much speculation on the question, much guesswork, and much wrongness, eventually someone texted to ask AQA, who said:

Allen David Staniforth is a Leisure Club Hypnotist

And where did AQA source that particular piece of misinformation?  There’s only one place on the internet peddling that kind of nonsense.  They got it from the wiki I halfheartedly added to this blog a few years ago!  http://www.monkeysandpirates.com/wikipirates/PickledPixie/.

So when drunken geeks don’t know the answer, they turn to the experts at AQA.  When the experts don’t know the answer, they turn to monkeysandpirates.com.

Brilliant!

Worklad told us today that whilst he believes in God, he’s a little confused about Jesus.

Further enquiry revealed that there are two Jesus’s.  There’s ‘Jesus’, and there’s ‘Jesus of Nazareth’.

According to worklad, they’re both 5’ 11”, and both originally from Jerusalem, but that’s where the similarities end.

‘Jesus of Nazareth’ was played by Robert Powell, whereas ‘Jesus’ was in The Bible.

...

It’s worth pointing out again that worklad failed his Religious Education GCSE.